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Posting October 2008:
For those of you tired of hearing about corruption and greed in America, I have a refreshing tale.
Recently, I heard that organized crime had appointed its first Corporate Responsibility Officer
(CRO) to help that storied institution conduct its operations in a more ethical and socially responsible manner.
I had also heard this included a broad range of unique environmental and sustainability initiatives.
Last month I arranged to interview this newly minted social advocate at an abandoned warehouse. Since
this gentlemen is currently wanted by the FBI for racketeering, money laundering
and a few other minor indiscretions, I agreed to refer to him simply as The Big Kahuna, although
he really didn't look Hawiian to me. (He also threatened to "whack" me if I used his real name.)
Bruce: Mr. Big Kahuna, it is surprising to learn that organized crime is
concerned about the environment and sustainability issues.
Big Kahuna: Listen, you, we've been green for years! People just ain't been paying attention.
Did you know dat for five years we been printin' all our counterfeit "c-notes" on recycled paper?
Bruce: Remarkable. So organized crime is concerned about global deforestation?
Big Kahuna: Say what?
Bruce: In other words, organized crime is concerned about the dwindling number of trees on the planet, right?
Big Kahuna: Yeah. I mean, if there weren't no woods left, where would
you dump bodies? Well, now dat I tink about it, we dump them down manholes now. Dat way we steal the
manhole covers at the same time and sell 'em for scrap. You get 12 bucks a pop... for the
covers dat is. And it's supposed to reduce them house gas emissions.
Bruce:You mean greenhouse gas emissions?
Big Kahuna: Whatever.
Bruce: What is organized crime doing to reduce the use of declared hazardous substances?
For example, do you comply with the European Union's Restriction of Hazardous Substances (RoHS)
Directive?
Big Kahuna: Say what?
Bruce: Do you avoid using hazardous substances such as lead?
Big Kahuna: Yeah. We switched from lead bullets to copper back in '98. We even recycle da shell casings after whacking somebody. Say, you look like a guy who could use a good
watch. I gotta Rolex right here dat I could let you have for say... two hundred bucks. And we'll donate ten
bucks to the Sierra Club for you.
Bruce: How on earth can you afford to sell a Rolex for only two hundred dollars?
Big Kahuna: Let's just say we "eliminated" the middle man and leave it at that. Next question.
Bruce: Reducing energy consumption is one of our
greatest global challenges. What is organized crime doing to reduce energy use?
Big Kahuna: Plenty. First, all our hookers have to walk to their corners - no more driving
'round and pollutin' the air. Second, all our money laundering and porno web sites are run on
them energy 'ficient computers. We save a bundle on juice. And fourth, we steal only energy 'ficient cars...
like those high bread things.
Bruce: May I ask what your position is on biodiversity?
Big Kahuna: You mean dat stripper in Atlantic City? I dunno. I never caught her act.
Bruce: No, I was talking about wild life.
Big Kahuna: Yeah. Me, too.
Bruce: Hmmmm, perhaps we should wrap this up. Let me ask a final question: what is organized
crime doing to stop global warming?
Big Kahuna: Dat concerns us a lot, so we called the UN with a deal we thought they
couldn't refuse. We offered to whack anyone that was warming things up too much, no questions asked, and
just two grand a whack. We even offered them a volume discount.
Bruce: What did they say?
Big Kahuna: They never got back to us. Then I heard the CIA whacks people for free.
I'm tired of fat cats getting government subsidies! How you supposed to compete in a market
with something like dat!
Bruce: All I can say is I'm Bruce Popka, and I'm a little green around the edges. Until
next month.
You can email Bruce with your comments at bruce@raymond.com.
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